Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Wish I could sleep and never wake up

Every day is a burden. It is really hard to pass each second of this life that I have been needlessly dragged into. I just want it to end, quickly and painlessly. I know how to but I dont know how without getting noticed, without letting anyone aware. I dont want to be here.

This life is just pain and torture, nothing more. No one is spared from it. Those who dont realize it are the ones lost in virtual reality, and yes, naturally, they make up a large majority of those alive.

The only thing I like is sleep, when my brain totally shuts down and my consciousness, the 'me', disappears. It is the best I can wish for. It is my only ray of hope. It is the only true resolution from this pain, the only true peace.

This life is plain sick. I am made of flesh, blood and bones. I feel pain, hunger, lust and cold. People, including those who pushed me into this sickness, try to exploit me through these needs. Exploit me to be clever, work like a horse in a mad race of cleverness and ruthlessness, wanting me to deprive others of those needs to fulfill mine and theirs. I wish I could disconnect myself from those needs, without pain, and avoid being part of this brutal nonsense.

It is wrong. It is bad. It is brutal. It is cruel. I have thought hard, tried hard, to find a way to exist without being a part of this madness, but all I have found is pointlessness. There is no sanity in this world, it is not real, but just an imagination for those who work together for the moment to deprive others. I cant do this, I dont want to do this. I have been imposed failure and deprivation. I know how it feels like, I know how sick and horrible it is. I am living every second pointlessly bearing it. Bearing it only because I dont have access to the easy way out.

If something can be faked, it is not real, but only a derivative of an underlying mindless benefit. I have been faked best of trust and attachment human relation has to offer. I have seen it all get contradicted and rendered meaningless. It has been a crucial eye opener to the animalistic coldness of human nature in this ongoing nightmare. It has left me in a state of zero gravity and a disappeared sense of belonging. It has broken my delusion and made my previous sense of self unreal. The null condition I am in now, the past seemingly real memories of delusion feel like a dream, as though it didnt really happen, as though it was just my imagination. But I know, it was never really real anyway, it was just bliss in taught ignorance. Those who still manage to be in delusion only do because their virtual reality is yet to be contradicted. They are yet to be exposed to the fakeness of human individuality.
 
I can literally see the animal inside every one of them. Everyone that I have come across in my life, everyone, most of whom looked down on me or at best sooner or later tricked me. Back then those who pushed me into this world appeared like the only good people, the only ones to run to shelter to from claws of those social animals. But now my eyes have opened to this bloody nightmare as these shelter givers have started to push me into the fighting zone of these animals. It is a horrible and sick realization that their shelter that I was given was conditional, and given only because I was being fed to join the very struggle.

I have refused this struggle. I can see it all pointless and wrong. Those who were along with me when I was being fed, I find them under delusion. This world is trying various tricks on me to get me back into this delusion. They are trying to deceive me away from my only hope. But I am trying hard to keep my senses together, I keep reminding myself of the mindlessness of this existence. But I am alone and lost in this mess. No one understands me, they dismiss me insane. It has only shown me that no one gives a thing about anyone in this world unless it has a return benefit for them. No relations, no emotions, are real. They all have an underlying cleverness and benefit.

All people want to do is derive from me a benefit, nothing more. They want to exploit me as long as I give output, as long as my breath runs. They are not bothered about anything more. Even if I somehow helped them with their brutal benefits, ultimately they would just lead me to die a slow painful natural death from a cancer, or a disease, or an accident, or whatever, trying to needlessly revive me for their own satisfaction while I stare at peak misery in my final moments.

Sleep is the only shelter that I now have from their claws. It is the only thing that makes me free of this sickness and misery. But I am all alone in this reality. No one wants to help me get over with my life. All of them have put me and left me to rot and decay and fend in this mental agony. All that these delusioned animals care about, is a return benefit.

Euthanasia, is the only way out of this, and the sooner the better. Every moment I wish I am dead the next. I wish I could sleep forever without the need for waking up, ever. I wish I could return to the non existence I was before being pushed into this world.

I wish death was as easy as going to sleep. I wish I could sleep and never wake up.

10 comments:

  1. More time in sleep means less time one has to face self and world...

    I wish there was a button one could push and seize to exist ...even in memories...

    Only if Nembutal wasn't so hard to obtain...

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  2. Right there with you buddy. I've discovered chloroquine as a reliable way to go.

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  3. I know what you are saying. People really can dig their claws in you. I dont think people are "bad" or "evil" just in our nature to gravitate to what we want, and that almost always means dealing with others, so then we have to work to gether, then their are these games, and so-on and so-on. Being nice and kind has been my policy, not only because it works, but because my consiounous is there and I think ppl are worth it....BUT what really pisses me off is the happy ppl, who shut you down with how they are just HAPPY,. They are killing it, and want you to know it...well Im losing my censor that stops me from telling these people to go F themselves, that I dont care how many other ppl love them, if they dont treat me with descenciey, they can eat a bag of diks.

    Also, I too love sleeping!. I love so many outdoor stuff. I love fishing and interacting with nature, but ppl kinda shut me down, so Im happy just sleeping.

    But I guess a good question for myself, is am I going to let the assholes in this world keep me down? It is about being strong somewhat, and coping comes with practice. I really did tell this kinda supervisor, that if he wanted it done, it is his job, and do it his fing self....he was being an asshole...surprizingly, he appoligized for his behavior

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  4. I hope you are feeling better since December.

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  5. i know how you feel ypu explained my life

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  6. You have summed up how I feel, every waking moment...perfectly.I know how this movie ends..I helped direct it. Sleep is the only peace, and yes..I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

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  7. Things can be incredibly hard. Please try to remember that "Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over, it turned into a butterfly." My coach said, "Tough times don't last, but tough people do." Don't let the jerks ruin your life. Living well is the best revenge. Please hang in there. THere are people who are good and will help you.

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  8. I truly understand how you feel, not so much why of course as you have lived your life and I mine. I feel as though the world and all its inhabitants chew people like us up and spit us out with no care for the mangled form we are left in. I wake up every day and feel sad that I have woke up and wish for tonight to be the night I sleep so deep that I never wake up all to no avail sadly. Sometimes there world seems so cruel and cold, if you live in the UK that's pretty common place though! But you really are not alone in feeling this way, there are many like us sinking into the true reality of our lives, so I guess sometimes knowing that helps. As you say the animals are oblivious not all intentionally, just never allow them to push your boundaries and put your foot down when they push too hard (unless its your boss!) but of course choose you timing wisely. Who knows if life will get better or not all we can do is keep fighting for the life we want and the changes we want to see in the world, I dont know you personally but I care and I really hope you manage to find some peace in your waking life *K*

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  9. I have lost my faith in everything. I used to pray for strength, the strength to get better, the strength to love myself.... but that strength never came. Now i see the world for what it truly is, a poisonous thing riddled with stingers and barbs. There isnt compassion for people like us, the sick ones who have given up on hope. We are tossed aside like garbage, left alone and broken... and I just wish i had the strength to end my life. Im too afraid, afraid of putting myself through more pain and suffering. Ive failed at everything, even all 11+ suicide attempts. My body is covered in scars, my failed overdoses have left me with nothing but more pain... nooses have broken, kinda like my soul has... and still there is no end in sight. Why cant i just fade away, like my dreams of happiness have? Why cant i shake this bitter pain that haunts my every moment? Not even sleep provides solace anymore... i either dream of endless torture and suffering or i dream of a world in which im sane and happy, only to awaken to this painful reality. I wish that someone would help me end this, help me where i have failed so miserably... but the world tells me that it will get better, and to tough it out. I have hated myself since i was 8, and i am now 30... how long until it ends? I wish that euthanasia was a viable option for someone with severe mental problems, such as myself... this is why i smoke, because im hoping that cancer will ravage my body and succeed where i have failed. I feel your pain, wholly.

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  10. I Googled "I want to sleep and never wake up" and came across this page. I understand completely how you feel. In the past few years everyone I've ever loved has died or left me. I've never had any real friends, and my family don't care about me. I even had to have my little dog put to sleep, the one thing that loved me unconditionally. Life is an endless slog of pain, disappointment and crushed hopes, and I'm done with it. I have been to counseling, I take meds to try to lift me out of this bottomless well of despair, but nothing helps. I eat and shop and throw my brain into some fantasy land to try and cope, but unfortunately I have to wake up to the reality that my life is half over and I've never lived. I've spent my life trying to take care of others so they'll love me, only they never loved me. I was here for them to use and then ignore when they no longer needed me. I want to be angry, to wail and scream and curse them, but I don't have the strength. I want to get away from this life, but everywhere I go, there I am. I've run out of hope. Hoping is just a way of putting off the inevitable. I have a plan, but I'm not sure I'm brave enough to carry it out. I wait until the weather gets really cold, and I drive far away, to some national park or somewhere remote. I park my car and I take the license plates off and throw them away so nobody can trace my car. I hike deep into the woods, sit down under a tree and take a bunch of sleeping pills. That way I'm too far away for someone to find me, and I'm too far away to change my mind and hike somewhere for help. I wear dark clothing so I'm less noticeable among the trees, only no coat or gloves, just a tee shirt and jeans or something like that. I lay down under that tree and fall asleep, and the sleeping pills plus the hypothermia help me leave this horrible world behind me. Just fall asleep and never wake up. Peace.

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