Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Wish I could sleep and never wake up

Every day is a burden. It is really hard to pass each second of this life that I have been needlessly dragged into. I just want it to end, quickly and painlessly. I know how to but I dont know how without getting noticed, without letting aware. I dont want to be here.

This life is just pain and torture, nothing more. No one is spared from it. Those who dont see it are the ones lost in virtual reality, and yes, naturally, they make up a large majority of those alive.

The only thing I like is sleep, when my brain totally shuts down and my consciousness, the 'me', disappears. It is the best I can wish for. It is my only ray of hope. It is the only true resolution from this pain, the only true peace.

This life is plain sick. I am made of flesh, blood and bones. I feel pain, hunger, lust and cold. People, including those who pushed me into this sickness, try to exploit me through these needs. Exploit me to be clever, work like a horse in a mad race of cleverness and ruthlessness, wanting me to deprive others of those needs to fulfill mine and theirs. I wish I could disconnect myself from these needs, without pain, and avoid being part of this brutal nonsense.

It is wrong. It is bad. It is brutal. It is cruel. I have thought hard, tried hard, to find a way to exist without being a part of this madness, but all I have found is pointlessness. There is no sanity in this world, it is not real, but just an imagination for those who work together for the moment to deprive others. I cant do this, I dont want to do this. I have faced failure and deprivation. I know how it feels like, I know how sick and horrible it is. I am living every second pointlessly bearing it. Bearing it only because I dont have access to the easy way out.

If something can be faked, it is not real, but only a derivative of an underlying mindless benefit. I have been faked best of trust and attachment human relation has to offer. I have seen it all get contradicted and rendered meaningless. It has been a crucial eye opener to the animalistic coldness of human nature in this ongoing nightmare. It has left me in a state of zero gravity and a disappeared sense of belonging. It has broken my delusion and made my previous sense of self unreal. The null condition I am in now, the past seemingly real memories of delusion feel like a dream, as though it didnt really happen, as though it was just my imagination. But I know, it was never really real anyway, it was just bliss in taught ignorance. Those who still manage to be in delusion only do because their virtual reality is yet to be contradicted. They are yet to be exposed to the fakeness of human individuality.
I can literally see the animal inside every one of them. Everyone that I have come across in my life, everyone, most of whom looked down on me or at best sooner or later tricked me. Back then those who pushed me into this world appeared like the only good people, the only ones to run to shelter to from claws of these social animals. But now my eyes have opened to this bloody nightmare as these shelter givers have started to push me into the fighting zone of these animals. It is horrible and sick realization that their shelter that I was given was conditional, and given only because I was being fed to join the very struggle.

I have refused this struggle. I can see it all pointless and wrong. Those who were along with me when I was being fed, I find them under delusion. This world is trying various tricks on me to get me back into this delusion. They are trying to deceive me away from my only hope. But I am trying hard to keep my senses together, I keep reminding myself of the mindlessness of this existence. But I am alone and lost in this mess. No one understands me, they dismiss me insane. It has only shown me that no one gives a thing about anyone in this world unless it has a return benefit for them. No relations, no emotions, are real. They all have an underlying cleverness and benefit.

All people want to do is derive from me a benefit, nothing more. They want to exploit me as long as I give output, as long as my breath runs. They are not bothered about anything more. Even if I somehow helped them with their brutal benefits, ultimately they would just lead me to die a slow painful natural death from a cancer, or a disease, or an accident, or whatever, trying to needlessly revive me for their own satisfaction while I stare at peak misery in my final moments.

Sleep is the only shelter that I now have from their claws. It is the only thing that makes me free of this sickness and misery. But I am all alone in this reality. No one wants to help me get over with my life. All of them have put me and left me to rot and decay and fend in this mental agony. All that these delusioned animals care about, is a return benefit.

Euthanasia, is the only way out of this, and the sooner the better. Every moment I wish I am dead the next. I wish I could sleep forever without the need for waking up, ever. I wish I could return to the non existence I was before being pushed into this world.

I wish death was as easy as going to sleep. I wish I could sleep and never wake up.


  1. More time in sleep means less time one has to face self and world...

    I wish there was a button one could push and seize to exist ...even in memories...

    Only if Nembutal wasn't so hard to obtain...

  2. Right there with you buddy. I've discovered chloroquine as a reliable way to go.

  3. I hope you are feeling better since December.

  4. i know how you feel ypu explained my life

  5. You have summed up how I feel, every waking moment...perfectly.I know how this movie ends..I helped direct it. Sleep is the only peace, and yes..I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.